Ok, so...

Mom knows best

I just finished talking to my mom. I was crying in my room, and felt like i needed my mom now, more than ever. Unlike in the past, this wasnt about a boo-boo or a nightmare, yes i was hurt and scared, but this was about something new, this time it was about heartbreak. So, i ran down the stairs told her how much it hurt and she began comforting me like only she can.

i realize now that i dont give my mom enough credit. i didnt think she understood what i was going through. she was originally against it all, i'm not ready, it wont last, it'll distract you from schoolwork, all these were her reasons for being against it in the past. but over time she came around, she had seen how happy i was, and granted me my own better judgment.

Now, although i'm still sad, and i dont doubt that i'll be crying many more tears, i feel like progress has been made. My mom reminded me of how ambitious i've always been. For so long i've wanted to go to a great college, go to law school, become a news anchor, befriend a president, and be appointed Supreme Court Justice. all of this, as well as getting married and having kids have been part of plans and dreams that i've had for years, before I ever knew Wes existed, and he doesnt fit in with these plans. Without meaning to, something beautiful and unexpected happened; wes and me. but it wasnt a long term deal, there would have been no room or future for him in my plans. I have to get myself to believe this is all for the better.

My mom says she's really proud of me. she says that Dragonboat was a huge success, and she keeps receiving compliments from people at chinese school telling her how i really know how to organize things and how happy i've made everyone. i've got lots of spirit and i'm really kind, they say. My mom pointed out how if it werent for me bringing together my school friends and chinese friends, these people would have never met, i gave them all something to share, something good. She's proud of all the great things i've accomplished, i am too.

My mom gave me her support no matter what i do. If i really want to be with him, i can pursue that, or i can try to move on and keep my eyes peeled for something better. She reminded me of something that i had totally forgotten. I was never the kind of girl that would chase a guy, i'd always been the kind that was pursued and never in pursuit. I'm not gonna be chasing anybody, if something is meant to be it will come to me, and i'll just be waiting.

i've heard it a million times, there are so many better guys out there, guys better than wes. true, but that seems so far away, there are billions of men, but the only one i can see is him. he loved me deeply for a long time, he's stopped, but it was great, and i miss it.

I want someone to love me all the way. I want someone to stargaze with, someone who would be happy just to hold my hand, someone who kisses me in all the right places, sings me love songs (be it in tune or off), someone who tickles me even when i tell them to stop, someone who takes me to the reservoir, keeping me from the mosquitoes (failing to completely, but its the thought taht counts), someone i can cry with, someone who can make me smile like no one else can, someone who promises me forever. I've already found that person.

But then there's also things that i want that i havent yet had. I deserve someone who misses me as much as i miss them, someone who wants to see me everyday even if its just to see my face, someone who can embrace all our differences, someone who loves me and wont stop, someone who promises me forever and actually means it. i'm still waiting for this someone to show up.

i'll be sitting, waiting, wishing...

posted by yang @ 9:13 PM