Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I say potato, You say potato.

I dont care what a manwhore is technically called. A whore is still a whore, josh.

The week was going very well until i started feeling really sick, and now that i say that i realize how sad that is, cuz its only tuesday. something was bothering me this morning and i was having some kind of an allergic reaction to rachel's coat. you know how you get that horrible i-need-to-sneeze-but-its-not-coming-out feeling? well i had that and it lasted for an hour and a half, it was torture, and my face was contorted in that ugly sneeze face most of the time. When the sneeze finally did come, it wasnt the hallelujah sneeze that i had expected and hoped for. It was lame. lame like a stallion.

The announcements were fun, Rachel and i are excited about that. Stay classy Smoky Hill!

School's alright, its a good distraction, but its not as great as i had hoped it would be. I feel detached a lot of the time. I'm not working as hard as i could or should be, and that realization just makes me sink even deeper to where i care even less. It needs to end.

I cried again today, why? you may ask, i dont have a good answer to that one. No good reason, the usual. This is why i stopped updating as often, i dont like being a downer. Doodie.

I need to spend more time with my friends, which is why i'm looking forward to homecoming so much. My most favorite people looking most mightily nice, having a really good time.

I havent been very inspired in my art, i hope that changes with my next piece. i havent finisehd anything since the last piece i posted up here. That was over a month ago. I used to crank out the pieces one right after the other, right now, i've come to a standstill in my art and so many other things.

and all that was just a mess of what i'm feeling right now.

bring on the bling!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I believe

...friends are the greatest assets
...in God
...life is a song, God's love is the music
...my ipod makes me a better person
...Chipotle should never be eaten with pinto beans
...Clinton was the greatest president
...Anastasia survived & died years later of natural causes
...coffee & soda should not be consumed
...Taiwan is a part of China and will remain so
...Emily Dickinson was crazy
...Henry Clay would have made a great president
...the Backstreet Boys are the greatest band of all time
...the Blue Ranger was better than the White Ranger
...& Yellow > Pink
...Pocahontas was half white
...in singing out loud, when and where i feel like it
...I am in love and was loved in return and will be again
...true love only comes around once
...all those that can adopt, should
...Rasputin was a horrible horrible man
...George W. Bush is a horrible president and if he cared at all for the well-being of his fellow citizens, would resign
...Scarlett O'Hara is the greatest heroine
...Rhett Butler really did love her
...Michelangelo was the greatest Ninja Turtle
...Marijuana and other drugs are a waste of time and pointless
...pills shouldnt be taken for the slightest of problems, you can walk it off
...in the power of love
...laughing is the greatest medicine
...Thomas Jefferson & Alexander Hamilton should have been best friends
...Harry Potter will defeat Voldemort and Dumbledore will return
...i am an artist
...Walt Whitman was a horny whack job of a poet
...but Walt Disney, a great storyteller
...Hilary Clinton should run for president
..."regrets" are foolish and it's still too early to say
...hope is the first and most crucial step to success
...the OC awakens the soul
...1 Corinthians 13
...in myself


here's what Matt had to say http://mcline999.f2o.org/

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Alfred, Zorgon & Splinter

I am going to join their ranks.

I am so totally ready for this Mentor business. The "retreat" we had today had some really great impacts on me, i'm glad.

I'll admit that at first i was skeptical about the Healing Circle, i was trying really hard not to laugh, and there were times where i was definitely picking up certain people's b.o., but then, there were times when i just felt like breaking out into tears.

Let me try to explain what the Healing Circle is. So, you have a group of people and they're split evenly. Half the group sits down (in chairs) in a small circle, holding hands, eyes closed, the other half stands around the sitters, and all at once the people on the outside bend down to whisper in the other person's ear. What they whisper is totally up to them, its supposed to be something that they personally wish they could hear, those in the middle dont respond and just listen as everyone takes their turn. and once the rotation was completed, roles were switched.

As i sat there with my eyes closed, i could make out the whispers of some of my closest friends, and there were others that kept me guessing. Sitting in silence was hard, i felt like crying and reaching out to the person in my ear, telling them what they had just passed on to me, and giving them a big hug. It really hit home and it amazed me how so many of us wish to hear the same words of encouragement and love. When it came time for those on the inside to move outside, i was got really frightened. I didnt want to let myself get vulnerable all over again. I've been really good these past few days, and i was proud of myself, but i knew that the Healing Circle wouldnt do its magic if i wasnt honest about what i really wanted to hear. So i mustered up the courage, and everytime i got to someone new, i would bend down really close to their ear and let it out. For some people, i said, "dont worry, it'll stop hurting soon," with alicia i said, "i missed you and i'm sorry" knowing that it was something i needed to hear, something i needed to tell alicia, and something i knew she wanted to hear.

"I love you." I said that many times, and as i whispered that to rabah, triveni, and jessica, i knew that they knew it was me. my whisper, how close i got to them, and what i had to say to them, and what i wished i could still hear, gave me away. dood, the Healing Circle rocks. It was the most real moment of the entire 5 hours, and the whole thing only lasted about 7 minutes.

Afterwards, when those on the inside opened their eyes and the rotation was over, with one glance at them, i knew that rabah and triveni knew exactly what i meant. Triveni hugged me and told me she loved me, "i know i'm not the one you want to hear it from," she said. that's not entirely true, it meant a lot to me, and i came very close to crying. Then, Jessica, who i missed much more than i believed, hugged me, told me how much she missed me, told me it was all gonna be alright, said she was sorry and said, "i love you." She said everything that i wanted to hear, everything that i whispered to other people, and everything i'm still hoping to hear. I cried like a baby, yes. But i felt better nonetheless.

Jessica, i love you. I'm glad you're back.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another song

I'll Never Break Your Heart, Backstreet Boys

liars, they say they wont, they promise they wont, but they will.

I love service, i love honor, and i love America

oh man, i cant believe i said that, anandi always reminds me, good girl that anandi is. it seems like so long ago.

well, today was a good day. like most, it was sad and a bit detached, but relative to my more recent days, this one was a good one. Kaila and i went to Chipotle for lunch and spent a good two hours talking there, followed by some music and time just sitting/lying on my bed for more talking. We see eye to eye on so many things and i feel that she, more than anyone else, can really relate to what i'm going through right now. We've both got it bad.

Half Life by Duncan Sheik, listen to it. (my ipod's on shuffle as i write this)

then came the NHS officer's meeting, that was so much more fun than i could have expected. i love it when people can bounce and build ideas back and forth, we're a good team, i'm really excited about NHS this year, i think we'll be able to accomplish more than previous groups.

On Love, In Sadness - Jason Mraz

school's creeping up, i'm not so sure what to think or expect. i'll just be going through the motions. when i look back to how i viewed school last summer, i just thought of it as "school", plain and simple, i was gonna go to school, do my clubs, have my fun, but so many unexpected things happened, and they were wonderful. I made so many new friends, my own style developed in my art, and i felt things i never imagined i would feel or feel this deeply. so now, after all that, and after all this, i dont know what to think.

I Want You Back, Backstreet Boys, good song.

One thing i'm very excited for is the audience i'll soon be having for all my singing. I miss the "oh yang"s, "please stop"s. we should all sing more, i would talk in melodies if i didnt know that everyone would stop talking to me.

I Hope You Die, Bloodhound Gang.

I was really upset for the first time, in a long time. I said things i didnt mean to say, i hate saying dirty things and being a pottymouth, it is entirely not like me. I feel like i'm betraying myself. it's not good.

Tell Him, Celine Dion & Barbra Streisand

I'm gonna take everything one day at a time, bearing in mind the general destination. i dont want it to just be a blur, i will appreciate each moment and get passed each obstacle. that means i'll deal with my feelings each day, recognizing that they're there, not ignoring them.

Why Worry, All-American Rejects

that is the song rachel and i sing whenever we're worried about a test or anything, though the lyrics are really talking about being lost without the girlfriend, it is fun to sing, and the title applies, if only mildly. I really do miss all the class-time singing.

Only Time, Enya

I havent heard this song in such a long time. I used to listen to it all the time, i loved it. I think i finally understand what it's talking about now. "who knows? only time." i wish time would come out with it already. Patience is not something i was given. I blame my mother.

Through With You, Maroon 5.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I am a geek

Ok, so I'm sure none of you are sinking your fingernails into your faces from shock, because, yes its common knowledge, but I had to say it. So, I am a geek, and I love it.

I want school to start. I need it to. The sooner school starts, the sooner it'll be over with. I'm really excited about it all, I'll be able to keep my mind off things.

So, check in was good, Rachel and I were gracing everyone at the front of the line with our singing, and it was good to see most people again. I didn't get to see some people that I really wanted to see. The whole schedule deal wasn't the usual fiasco that it is, there were some glitches, but all were remedied. My schedule is a mix of some hardbutt classes and some easy laid back ones, but squeeze all 11 classes (actual ones not included CAS or PE) and I've got myself a crazy challenge.

1-IB Mentors & Gov, Mr. C
2-French 5, Vockrodt
3- Enviro, Sengsavath
4-Art History, Brown

5- French 6 (sometime in the morning)

1-World, Wilcox
2-Calc 3, Nappier
3-Art, D'Amico
4-English, Ady (yay!!!)

TOK Monday Night, Holguin

I wasnt feeling so good today, so i went to my front yard and just sprawled myself on the grass, listening to music, letting the sun catch my hair and face, the air smelled really nice and sweet. I was at peace.

That's it for now.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Things happen for a reason

That, is something i've heard many a times, and i'm beginning to agree with it now. With everyone i've talked to i've pretty much been hearing that same phrase. Things happen for a reason and i've gotta learn to deal with that.

it's hard. i dont like being or feeling this way. I'm usually the one making things happen, i usually take charge and get things my way, but now, its as if i've been given this huge letdown, and there is nothing in my power to change it. i feel helpless, which stinks. my feelings grow stronger and stronger, making the pain greater and greater. I absolutely despise mornings now. nights arent too bad, usually my brain and body are so exhausted that i just fall asleep right away. but in the mornings, i wake up early, not wanting to or meaning to, and its then that i feel alone and pathetic. everyone is sleeping and i'm my gross morning unshowered self being sad, with surprise weeping attacks that come uninvited. it's not getting any easier, everyone promised it would. i feel exactly as i did before, i miss him. and here i am being all stupid again, i hate feeling sorry for myself, this isnt me speaking. Why do i go on like this?

I've got to think that all things happen for a reason. this happened because we just werent meant for each other, or time apart will do us good with the possibility of reconciliation. either way, its a win-win, i guess... the former is much harder to deal with, and i'm really hoping for the latter.

A friend of mine at camp wrote me a note telling me this, "..Sometimes, in order to give us "better", He must take the "good". In order to give us the "best", we must surrender "better". Have faith and take hope to new heights..." and another wise soul told me this, "...always remember that circumstances happen for a reason, but be comforted + joyful in the fact that God always wants to give you the BEST in His timing... so don't despair because it'll be worth the wait." They've got a point.

Rachel, Yuriy, and Joe have the great power of making me feel better everytime i talk to them or see them. Not that i dont get comfort from other friends, but i think that with these 3, i feel like they have a better understanding of where it is that i'm coming from. so, for that, i am extremely grateful. Joe made a good point yesterday, my personality has definitely had better days. I am that girl that chats away and speaks to strangers, argues for the fun of arguing, paints to her heart's content, spontaneously sings to whatever tune is playing in her head, grins from being mischievious, laughs at the slightest of things, tells tall tales seeing how far she can take them, dances horribly but loves it nonetheless, walks briskly wherever she goes, snorts and breaks out giggling when others dont dare to (katelin in tok, and at camp too, i'll tell you the story sometime), shrieks from any bit of excitement, blushes from little embarassements, and smiles that big bold smile.

Man, do i miss the good ol' me, but i think that she's coming back with a one way ticket, cuz she's staying for good.

Friday, August 05, 2005

I'm cute

aren't I?

Today, i looked at myself in the mirror and i liked what i saw. i went through my closet and drawers (the wooden kind, not my dra'ars) and i sorted through all my clothes, threw things out, and found some intereting things i forgot i owned. It was fun, i played dress up. So today involved a lot of alone time slipping in and out of outfits and staring at myself in the mirror. with two swift movements i randomly put my hair up in two little buns. I'm gonna be putting my hair up like that more often, i dont look my age, and i love it.

(It's crazy, i cannot escape from the Backstreet Boys, if i'm not listening to them on purpose, i'm listening to them without meaning to, i think my ipod understands how much i love them and keeps playing them on shuffle.)

rachel's right, i am too pretty to be crying. I'm feeling better, i'm never gonna shed this deep feeling i have, this feeling that's causing me my sadness, but i think i will be able to live with it.

I'll be gone for a few days. I'll miss everyone, i dont want to go, but i need to. I want to breathe fresh air, go canoeing, splash around, walk with the wind, and whisper what's been on my mind to God.